So, this is what I wrote in my journal after the mission trip and I know you wanted to see it and I want you to see my heart! I had no intentions of sharing this with you but by quoting myself, I know its completely from my heart, its all real haha.
"(9:03 pm 3/22/12) So I just got home from the mission trip in Chicago, a 15 hour drive and a bunch of us are going to see the premier of the Hunger Games. I don't even know where to begin with this trip though. I just turned on Pandora and "Better Together" by Jack Johnson is playing. This song always reminds me of Em and her cute voice singing along. Me and Em grew a lot over the trip crazy as it sounds being 10 states apart. I knew something was up on the way to Chicago by the way she was acting over texts. It took some prying, probably more than I should have done, to get her to tell me that one of her friends told her she liked her. It re-started the whole doubting our relationship cycle. But it led to an awesome breakthrough in my life. I had to realize that, as her leader, My goal is to first and foremost seek God, and then secondly, help her do the same...even if that meant breaking up and letting her go. I prayed so much that we could stay together and that i could have the privileged of marrying her one day. But, I realize that God's plan is bigger than my desire. Needless to say, we worked it out pretty fast because of our communication and prayer. We had to cast out the lies in Jesus's name! I freakin love this girl though. Her heart is so beautiful, not to mention her appearance. Somehow, she still can be insecure. Anyways, shes always in my prayers and God is quick to answer them. Em was worried that she wouldn't be able to intern at the orthodontist because of her low grade but God allowed the grade to rise and really blessed her. Just trusting in Him is so important. Finally, Em and I were talking and I wanted to know the name of the guy who likes her and she wouldn't tell me. I wanted to know to pray for him, and I have, and just so I could protect Em, but I pushed it too far and I had to repent. But the cool thing is how fast God made it evident to me, we were still talking when God convicted me. It was truly a blessing, and a big sign of growth in my relationship with Him. So we prayed right there, and Em just blew me away again with her forgiveness and love and understanding. I can't believe I'm so blessed sometimes, I feel like I won the jackpot snagging such a Godly woman at this age. I can't even imagine where we'll be in a few years. I just continue to pray that God will let us be together forever and grow in Him and be a light for Him and do so much more good together than alone. But I'm thankful already for what He's blessed us with, even if it ends tomorrow. Who knows when my last day is anyways!
God, may all the praise and glory go your way, I love you, please help me to love you more and allow you to love me more!
I didn't even talk about the mission trip really, but that was really important! The first day: We planted a garden at "Interfaith House", a homeless shelter. It was cool because we were literally 'planting the seeds' and what an awesome representation to live out. The second day we worked at a place that held adults with mental disabilities during the day. We painted and decorates and organized and just hung out. I'm always a little nervous around mentally handicapped, but God really showed me their beauty and joy and His awesomeness! One thing stuck out while I was making a mosaic wall (which I totally want to do one day) wen this girl placed a tile crookedly. I said, you being artsy eh? She said yeah, there's beauty in the imperfection isn't there? and what an awesome quote for that day and for me and Em's relationship and for self-image and everything! The third day all we did was hang out at Interfatih again. 3 things stuck out to me. Walter and his poem called, 'Listen to what the Old people have to say!' The General and all of his wisdom and emphasis on history and scripture, and current news. Finally, Garry and the effect we had on him. He said, "something definitely is going on with the residents and everything" and I could tell he was referencing a higher power (he's not very spiritual) I just hope and pray those seeds get watered and harvested (spirutally and literally!)"
I know its long, but again, I just want you to see my heart. I love this journal, it totally allows me to be real and then whenever i feel its necessary, I can read you letters and stuff out of it. I love you Em!
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